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Angtoria: God has a plan for us all

21/07/10 || MikzorTheFirst

There are about a million and a half things about this album that will surely have most of you spilling your coffee all over your desks, as you hasten to make sure we all know exactly how much you disapprove of them. Things including the fact that the band plays symphonic metal (big no-no), relies on simple song structures, has catchy choruses and the singer is lacking in the ways of the penis (also; she’s fat and people seem to make a big deal out of it, so I will too, coz it’s funny).

The big gal in question is none other than the Sarah Jezebel Deva of Cradle of Filth fame (as if things weren’t bad enough as they were). Apparently she met up with a bunch of Swedish dudes and made them do all the compositional heavy lifting for her (under the threat of having their dear mothers eaten). It was supposed to be all about the majestic power of orchestral soundtracks and all that jazz. However, eventually marketing intelligence went forth to remind her that those chicken wings weren’t gonna start paying for themselves any time soon, therefore the drums and guitars were added into the mix. Rather surprisingly, the guitars don’t leave you with that impression of half-assedness that I wouldn’t blame you for expecting to find here. They’re by no means spectacular, but for being an afterthought they do their work very commendably.

After the rather anonymous intro, “I’m calling (pizza delivery)” kick’s into gear and guess what, I’m digging this shit! The verse caught me off guard by being as deliciously wicked as it is. Both the guitars and the drums are actually doing something in order to have my head banging and my dick swinging and the singing has this great quality of (dare I say) arrogance (I imagine her singing to a piece of lettuce). Also, the chorus surprised me, as it pulls off being considerably more memorable than any of those of your go-to Nightquiche-clone’s (yeah…) making. Luckily, this is a trend that goes on throughout the entire album. The songs are memorable and to the point as these guys evidently had the good sense to trim the fat off of them and keep the focus on all things catchy. Pieces like the aforementioned one, “The Addiction (an ode to cocoa)”, “Do you see me now? (oh, definitely)”, “Six feet is not deep (nor wide) enough” and indeed many more devour Within Temptation’s (or what have you) newest single for breakfast (but that’s not all). Say what you want, the tracklist is a fucking highlight-reel to me.

The main attraction (not in every sense of the word though) here is of course Sarah. Her voice carries a lot of power (did you know a whale’s singing can be detected from a distance of 100 miles or more?), is well tuned and overall a pleasure to listen to. Leaving the operatic fuckery to Tarja and her Christmas albums, tons-of-fun here sports a smooth but stern and very controlled voice, comparable to that of ex-Hater Jo. Needless to say, I dig this cumbarrel’s crooning as she quite effortlessly carries the whole ordeal in her personal gravitational field.

Most of you lonely fuckers would still hit that and you know it.

There’s a good chance that I’m in a minority here, but to me this disc is the shiny glimmer of hope in the seemingly endless seas of boring-ass bands of this breed. Blubber floats.

7,5

Information
Released: 2006
Label: Listenable Records
Website: www.angtoria.com
Band
Sarah Jezebel Deva: vocals
Chris Rehn: guitars, keyboards, bass, programming
Tommy Rehn: guitars, keyboards, bass, programming

Tracklist
01. The awakening
02. I’m calling
03. God has a plan for us all
04. Suicide on my mind
05. Deity of disgust
06. The addiction
07. Six feet under’s not deep enough
08. Do you see me now?
09. Original sin
10. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
11. Confide in me (Kylie Minogue cover)
12. That’s what the wise lady said

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